Endgame

Just because things are expected, it doesn't mean you're always ready for them.

Sunday afternoon: we were all summoned to Mum and Dad's. I think deep down we all knew what was coming- certainly as I met up with Vic and Jay we were all thinking the same thing, and it turned out we were right, Mum and Dad have decided that their marriage is over. there's nothing much left of their relationship for them to salvage and they've decided they done all they could to make it work and it isn't working. So that's it, bar the shouting, the sorting and the decorating. They're going to sell the house, and from the moment we left, lead separate lives (in the same house, which won't be easy for either of them).

I'm not really sure how I feel about it any of it though. I expected to be more upset than I was, but I didn't really feel anything except a quiet melancholy. I think what I was quietly most upset about was all the things we don't do as a whole again. Although I've complained about them all in the past, we've always been quite a close family and it's odd to think that now we'll never all be together for dinner as a whole unit and I think it's that kind of thing I'm going to miss most. Somehow we've all got to get through Christmas together- for some reason, despite it all, none of us has had the courage to back out of it, but it really depends on how Mum and Dad are getting on at that point and of course we have the added Grandma factor in the mix and I'd like to spend the day with her, because, well, there may not be too many chances to do that, after all, but I foresee a dreadful day, but I hope I'm wrong. I suppose deep down I never expected it to happen to them. I always knew their relationship was dodgy at times (and I'm old enough to remember some things that Vic and Jay don't), but there was always a feeling in me that they could sort it all out. After 30 years I thought you could, but I was wrong. Perhaps the difference had just got to that irreconcilable stage, sadly.

Still, I suppose there has been some good come out of this situation in the last couple of years. I never saw me and Dad becoming close again, and that's a good thing. Lots has been written and discussed about the two of us, and alot of wrong things were done on both sides (I'm not blameless for a lot of the problems we've had; I've been very selfish at times) but we started talking again, and he's always quite chatty these days, which has been great. I never thought we'd get that again. There's so much in him that he's never confronted and it's all bubbling under the surface and that's what makes him a bit unpredictable (as well as his general miserable demeanour of course !), but what is clear is that he really deeply loves Mum and we've all got the feeling that he's letting her go now, against everything he wants... isn't that what love is all about? I suppose it is.

As for Mum, well who can say? This is strange part. I've always thought that I understood her, but I'm not sure that I have any idea what's going on in her head these days. She sat there on Sunday not showing any emotion really at all. Of course that could be because she's the one getting what she wants, or because there's no point getting upset at this point, but it did come as a surprise to all of us, because she's always been the empathetic one... We;'d finished talking and Dad had fled in tears from the living room and Mum was there behaving like we'd just had family get together, asking me to get her some books, and stuff. That felt inappropriate somehow. She has changed over the last couple of years, maybe she's just more sure of what she wants from life and more able to stand up and make it happen than she's ever been before but at times it's very hard to reconcile her actions with the Mum we grew up with.

So there we go. That's it. I don't know that there's much else to say at the moment. The next few months will have a few tricky moments, especially when it comes to them clearing and leaving the house and we're still unsure where they're going to end up.